The Doc Is In

Beating Ourselves?

by Tom Purcell

“I can’t help it. I’ve been wondering lately — could Osama bin Laden be winning?”

“Winning? Are you nuts! After he and his conspirators attacked us on 9/11, he had to flee to a cave.”

“I may not be a policy expert or historian, but hear me out. Right after al-Qaida attacked, we were united. We invaded Afghanistan because the Taliban harbored terrorists.”

“We rolled right through the place, too!”

“But then we overreacted and were soon divided. President Bush and the Republicans, fearing one of our cities would go up in a nuclear blast, invaded Iraq to kick out Saddam Hussein and seize what we were told were his weapons of mass destruction.”

“Saddam flouted the rules. He had it coming!”

“Invading Iraq was an idealistic move, however — never the government’s strong suit. The hope was to implant a shining democracy in the Middle East.”

“Things are better there now than when Saddam was running the joint!”

“Aside from war, America was already in recession before 9/11, thanks in part to the bursting of the tech-stock bubble. After 9/11, a worried Federal Reserve began a series of interest-rate cuts to pump ‘easy money’ into the economy.”

“Desperate times call for desperate actions!”

“That policy, combined with bad government policies to both create (Citizens Reinvestment Act) and buy (Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac) bundles of risky subprime loans, would lead to a massive housing bust, which would really crash our economy.”

“You’re saying bin Laden indirectly contributed to the housing bust and the economic meltdown that followed?”

“By 2008, the American public was sick of Republicans, who had majorities in the House and Senate. They were tired of wasteful spending and angered by a war that dragged on, costing us lives and treasure. Combine that with a bad economy and the public was eager for any kind of ‘hope and change.’”

“Now you’re saying a backlash to the war, which was a result of overreacting to 9/11, set the stage for Democrats to take over the House, Senate and presidency?”

“Yep. And Democrats have spent billions we don’t have on programs that did little to stimulate the economy. They imposed a government-directed health care system on us that is going to send costs through the roof. They have extended the tentacles of government more deeply into the private sector. How we will manage trillions in new mandates and costs, as well as the trillions in liabilities we already had, is beyond anyone’s guess.”

“So you’re saying bin Laden had this all planned? He knew his attack would cause us to overreact in war and knew that the way we managed our economy would lead to the election of Democrats, who would weigh down that fragile economy with more burdens that would make us even weaker and more fragile?”

“I don’t want to give the jerk that much credit. But bin Laden has said loud and clear that his intent was not to fight us militarily, but to destroy our economy. His only hope for doing that was to divide us and get us to destroy ourselves.”

“We fell into his trap?”

“I hope not. But I do know it hasn’t been 10 years since 9/11 — and look at the mess we’ve created. If we don’t get beyond this Democrat-Republican bickering — if we don’t come together as Americans to resolve the sizable problems we face — a real world of hurt lies ahead.”

“I get it, pal. You worry that we’re beating ourselves, just as bin Laden had hoped — and you’re beginning to depress me.”

©2010 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

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One Born Every Minute

By Tom Purcell

It could have been worse.

Some years ago, I had just spent the last of my savings to have a British convertible restored.

I was a master then at buying high and selling low. Nonetheless, desperate for cash, I was eager to sell.

I figured I could get $4,900 for the car, but I was also a master at poor timing: Only a fool would sell a convertible just before winter.

My newspaper ads generated no calls. My for-sale sign in the window generated only one lead.

He was a 40-ish-looking fellow, who had arrived in a brand-new Infiniti. His clothes were impeccable, his presentation flawless.

In short order, he told me about his distributor business; he provided specialty supplies to hair salons in a three-state region.

He told me he was looking for a sports car as a gift for his girlfriend — that she longed for a red British convertible.

He looked over the car carefully, praising me for the quality of the restoration. He said he’d gladly pay my full asking price, in cash — even joked that I wasn’t asking enough — so long as his mechanic could give it a once-over.

I handed him the keys without hesitation. He was, after all, the car buyer I had dreamed of.

“This car is in excellent mechanical condition,” he said, smiling, when he returned an hour later. “Could I come by tomorrow with a cashier’s check to finalize the deal?”

Of course he could!

I slept peacefully that night. I was in a fine mood all the next day — until I arrived home from work to see my garage door open and my British sports car gone!

The fellow didn’t drive my car to his mechanic, you see. He drove to a hardware store and had a key made.

My stupidity didn’t end there, regrettably.

Clever fellow that I was, I had hidden the title — that’s right, the title! — in a crevice under the rear seat. The silver-tongued con man found it.

He drove my prized British sports car to a used-car lot and, forging my signature on my title, sold it to the dealer for a lousy $1,600.

That should have been the worst of it, but it was not.

Eager to reduce my insurance costs, and certain the con man would buy my car, I had called my agent and told him to cancel my coverage the following day.

He did as I asked — both of us unaware that the cancellation would commence at 12:01 a.m. the following day, some six hours before the con man stole my car.

Thankfully for me, even stupid people catch a break now and again.

An off-duty policeman spotted my car at the used-car dealership and it was eventually returned. The used-car dealer was the only one to suffer — he was out 1,600 bucks.

When I testified at the con man’s trial, I would learn that he was a master thief who had been in and out of jail his entire life. I’d also meet six others who’d been duped the very same way he duped me.

We all agreed he was a master at tuning into our wants and worries and pretending to be exactly what we needed him to be.

In any event, the incident haunted and embarrassed me for years, but it doesn’t trouble me anymore.

At least I’m not one of the 63 million Americans who fell for that “hope and change” nonsense.

©2010 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

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