Posts Tagged Tasteful Jokes

Well Known Proverbs by First Graders (tasteful joke)

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

2.
Strike while the
bug is close.
3.
It’s always darkest before
Daylight Saving Time..
4.
Never underestimate the power of
termites.
5.
You can lead a horse to water but
how?
6.
Don’t bite the hand that
looks dirty.
7.
No news is
impossible.
8.
A miss is as good as a
Mr.
9.
You can’t teach an old dog new
math.
10.
If you lie down with dogs, you’ll
stink in the morning.
11.
Love all, trust
me.
12.
The pen is mightier than the
pigs.
13.
An idle mind is
the best way to relax.
14.
Where there’s smoke there’s
pollution.
15.
Happy the bride who
gets all the presents.
16.
A penny saved is
not much.
17.
Two’s company, three’s
the Musketeers.
18.
Don’t put off till tomorrow what
you put on to go to bed.
19.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and
you have to blow your nose.
20.
There are none so blind as
Stevie Wonder.
21.
Children should be seen and not
spanked or grounded.
22.
If at first you don’t succeed
get new batteries.
23.
You get out of something only what you
see in the picture on the box.
24.
When the blind lead the blind
get out of the way.
25.
A bird in the hand
is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26.
Better late than
pregnant.

Submitted by Andrea

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Suicide Bombers Strike – Over Virgins (tasteful joke)

 

BBC News

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, “Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don’t ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth”.

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands , Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, “I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don’t like cutting benefits but I’d hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up.

Spokespersons for the union in the Newcastle, and Liverpool stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.

Submitted by Linda

 

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Night Watchman – (Tasteful Joke????) – Hello!! Anybody Home?

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said, “Someone may steal from it at night.”

So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?”

So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?”

So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One was to do the studies and one was to write the reports.

Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?”

So they created two positions: a time keeper and a payroll officer then hired two people.

Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?”

So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $918,000 over budget, we must cut back.”

So they laid-off the night watchman.

NOW slowly, let it sink in.

Quietly, we go like sheep to slaughter. Does anybody remember the reason given for the establishment of the DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY during the Carter administration?

Anybody?

Anything?

No?

Didn’t think so!

Bottom line is, we’ve spent several hundred billion dollars in support of an agency, the reason for which very few people who read this can remember!

Ready??

It was very simple… and at the time, everybody thought it very appropriate.

The Department of Energy was instituted on 8/04/1977, TO LESSEN OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL.

Hey, pretty efficient, huh???

AND NOW IT’S 2012 — 35 YEARS LATER — AND THE BUDGET FOR THIS “NECESSARY” DEPARTMENT IS AT $24.2 BILLION A YEAR. IT HAS 16,000 FEDERAL EMPLOYEES AND APPROXIMATELY 100,000 CONTRACT EMPLOYEES; AND LOOK AT THE JOB IT HAS DONE!

(THIS IS WHERE YOU SLAP YOUR FOREHEAD AND SAY, “WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?”)
34 years ago 30% of our oil consumption was foreign imports. Today 70% of our oil consumption is foreign imports.

Ah, yes — good old Federal bureaucracy.

NOW, WE HAVE TURNED OVER THE BANKING SYSTEM, HEALTH CARE, AND THE AUTO INDUSTRY TO THE SAME GOVERNMENT?

Hello!! Anybody Home?

Signed….The Night Watchman

Submitted by John

 

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My Friends, We Are Screwed (tasteful joke)

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , “Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land.”

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, “Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land.”

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc …. I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck……

My Friends….we’re screwed.

Submitted by George

 

 

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Show Some Respect (tasteful joke)

Show some respect.

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The Copper Clapper Caper (Tasteful joke video with Johnny Carson)

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Max, The Wonder Dog (tasteful joke)

Jack Russell attending the ceremony, Purina Pe...

Yesterday I was at my local SAM’S CLUB buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Max, the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s backside and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

 

Sam’s Club won’t let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people! They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say!

Submitted by Pam S

 

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The Grass Lawyer (tasteful joke)

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Grass

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He aked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You may come with us, also.”

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!”

“Bring them all as well,” the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind.”

“Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it.

“You’ll really love my place.

“The grass is almost a foot high.”

Submitted by SQ

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Ol’ Blue (tasteful joke)

Dog sunny Day Afternoon

A young cowboy goes off to college.

Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.

He calls home. “Dad,” he says, “You won’t believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here that will teach our dog, Ol’ Blue how to talk!”

“That’s amazing,” his Dad says. “How do I get Ol’ Blue in that program?”

“Just send him down here with $1,000,” the young cowboy says. “I’ll get him in the course.” So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. “So how’s Ol’ Blue doing son?” his father asks.

“Awesome, Dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this – they’ve had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!”

“Read!?” says his father, “No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?”

“Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.” The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. “Where’s Ol’ Blue? I just can’t wait to see him read something and talk!”

“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol’ Blue was in the living room, kicking back in the recliner and reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, “So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?”

The father exclaimed, “I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your Mother!”

“I sure did, Dad!”

“That’s my boy!”

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.

 Submitted by JJ

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The First Woman President (tasteful joke)

The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman president, who happens to be from Wisconsin.

A few days after the election the president-elect, whose name is Susan, calls her Father, Ole, and says, ‘So, Dad , I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?’

‘I don’t tink so. It’s an 18 hour drive.”

‘Don’t worry about it Dad, I’ll send Air Force One.. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.’

‘I don’t know. Everybody will be so fancy. Vhat would your mother vear?’

Oh Dad ,” replies Susan, ‘I’ll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom- made by the best designer in Washington .’

‘Honey,’ Ole complains, ‘you know I can’t eat dose rich foods you eat.’ Do day serve tap beer ????

The President-to-be responds, ‘Don’t worry Dad. The entire affair will be handled by the best caterer in Washington; I’ll ensure your meals are salt free. You and mom just have to be there.’

So Ole reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan is being sworn in as President of the United States.

In the front row sits the new president’s Dad and Mom.

Dad noticing the senator sitting next to him leans over and whispers, ‘You see dat woman over dare wit her hand on da Bible, becoming President of da United States?’

The Senator whispers back, ‘You bet I do.’

Ole says proudly, “Her brother played football for da Green Bay Packers.”

submitted by Joan P

 

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The Black Bra (as told by a woman, tasteful joke)

  I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here’s how it all went.

My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams…I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, ” What’s for dinner, Zorro?”

 

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No Sex Since 1955 (tasteful joke)

A crusty old floatplane pilot found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the pilot for conversation.

“Excuse me sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his worn captains hat and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of things.”

“Yes, ma’am, a lot of crazy things.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The old pilot just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

“1955, ma’am.”

“Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”

The crusty old floatplane pilot said, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.”

(Gotta love military time)

 Submitted by Ron S

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What Do You Do Christmas Morning? (tasteful joke)

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: “What do you do on Christmas morning”?

Patrick addressed the class: “Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to Midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

“Very nice Patrick,” she said.

“Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?”

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, “Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?”

Isaac said, “Well, it’s the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad’s toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing: “What A Friend We Have in Jesus.”

Then we all go to the Bahamas.

Submitted by Carol P

 

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The Medical Distinction Between “Guts and Balls” (tasteful joke)

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.

We’ve all heard about people having “Guts or Balls”, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom in her hand, and having the Guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS – Is coming home late, after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the backside and having the Balls to say: “You’re next, Chubby.”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome……Both result in death.

Submitted by Dr. SQ 

 

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New Airport Security (tasteful joke)

TEL AVIV, Israel – The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It’s an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.

Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.

You’re in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.

Shortly thereafter, an announcement:

“Attention, all standby passengers. El Al is proud to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London .Shalom!”

Submitted by JuJu

 

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