Posts Tagged Tasteful Jokes

Catholic Heart Attack (tasteful joke)

 A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to.

A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. “Do you have health insurance?” she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”

The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?” He replied, “No money in the bank.”

“Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” asked the irritated nun.

He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.”

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”

The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

 

Submitted by K. Lundin

 

 

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Catholic Morning Coffee in Rome (tasteful joke)

Pope Pius IX

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Four Catholic Men and a Catholic Woman were having coffee in St. Peter’s Square.

The First Catholic Man tells his Friends, “My Son is a Priest. When He walks into a Room, everyone calls Him, “Father.”

The Second Catholic Man chirps, “My Son is a Bishop. When He walks into a Room, people call Him, “Your Grace.”

The Third Catholic Gent says, “My Son is a Cardinal. When He enters a Room, everyone bows their head and says, “Your Eminence.”

The Fourth Catholic Man says very proudly, “My Son is the Pope. When He walks into a Room, people call Him, “Your Holiness.”

Since the Lone Catholic Woman was sipping Her coffee in silence, the four Men give her a subtle, “Well….?”.

She proudly replied, “I have a Daughter,

SLIM

TALL

38D BREASTS

24″ WAIST and

36″ HIPS.

When She walks into a Room, people say, “Oh My God.”

Submitted by SQ

 

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Mrs. Howard – Comedy Time – ‘Til Death (video, tasteful joke)

Submitted by Dian

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Lie About Your Age (tasteful joke)

Portrait of girl with straight, blonde hair

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Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ‘Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?’

Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She’s my wife!’

They are knocked over, but continue to ask. ‘So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?’

‘I lied about my age’, Bob replies.

‘What, did you tell her you were only 50?’

Bob smiles and says, ‘No, I told her I was 90.’

 

Submitted by K Lundin

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Italian Pregnancy (tasteful joke)

Woman pregnancy month by month.
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An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, ‘Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!’

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

‘Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem’.  ‘I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins,they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage,what do you suggest I do?’

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him “Youa gonna try again!”

Submitted by Carol P

 

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Wise Italian Grandfather (tasteful joke)

Rolex Oyster Perpetual Sea-Dweller DEEPSEA (Re...

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An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, “Guido, I wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.”

“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”

“You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. ”

“Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. “Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, times up?”

Submitted by Carol P 

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What is the Difference Between ‘Potentially’ and ‘Realistically’? (tasteful joke)

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, ‘Dad, what is the difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?’

Brad Pitt

Cover of Brad Pitt

The father thought for a moment, then answered, ‘Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then go ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.’

So the boy went to his mother and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’

The mother replied, ‘Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University !’

The boy then went to his sister and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’

The girl replied, ‘Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?’

The boy then went to his brother and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’

‘Of course,’ the brother replied. ‘Do you know what a million bucks would buy?’

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, ‘Did you find out the difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?’

The boy replied, ‘Yes, ‘Potentially’, you and I are sitting on three million dollars . But ‘realistically’, we’re living with two hookers and a queer.

 Submitted by SQ

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Any Mexican Jews? (tasteful joke)

Two retired Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Phoenix.

 Sid asks Al, ‘Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?

Al replies, ‘I don’t know; let’s ask our waiter.’

When the waiter arrives, Al asks, ‘Are there any Mexican Jews?’

The waiter says, ‘I don’t know senor; I ask the cooks.’

He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes& says, ‘No, senor; the cook say no Mexican Jews.’

Al isn’t satisfied and asks, ‘Are you absolutely sure?

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with Gringos replies, ‘I check once again, senor!’ `He goes back into the kitchen.

While the waiter is away, Sid says, ‘I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere.’

The waiter returns and says, ‘Senor, the head cook Juan say there is no Mexican Jews.’

‘Are you certain?’ Al asks again. ‘I just can’t believe there are no Mexican Jews!’

‘SENOR, I asked EVERYONE,’ replies the exasperated waiter. ‘All we have is Apple Jews, Orange Jews, mixed Pineapple Jews, and Tomato Jews.

Submitted by Lorraine

 

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The Nun and a Cabbie (tasteful joke)

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: ‘I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.’

She answers, ‘My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.’

‘Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.’

She responds, ‘Well, let’s see what we can do a about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.’

The cab driver is very excited and says, ‘Yes, I’m single and Catholic!’

‘OK’ the nun says. ‘Pull into the next alley.’

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

‘My dear child,’ says the nun, ‘why are you crying?’

‘Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.’

The nun says, ‘That’s OK…… My name is  Gary and I’m going to a Halloween party.’

Happy Halloween! 

 

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Grandpa and the IRS (tasteful joke)

Seal of the United States Internal Revenue Ser...

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’

I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’

I keep telling you! Don’t Mess with Old People

Submitted by Andrea

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Nymphomaniac Convention (tasteful joke)

en:Sculpture of a native american man standing...

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of AmericaConvention in Boston .”

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name…”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”

Submitted by SQ

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Applying for a Job (tasteful joke)

The rind of a lemon is exceptionally bitter, w...

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This woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job; given her liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and her jobs as a social worker and school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, “I have to ask you this: “Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”

“Well, as a matter of fact, I have!” she answered “I’ve been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers, and I voted for Obama.”

“You’re hired,” said the foreman.

 Submitted by JuJu

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Sue Wong Marries Lee Wong (tasteful joke)

 Sue Wong marries Lee Wong.

The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

‘Congratulations,’ says the nurse to the new parents. ‘Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?’

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, ‘Well, two Wong’s don’t make a white, so I think we will name him…

Are you ready for this?

Sum Ting Wong

Submitted by Kathy

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Awesome Power of a Wife’s Love (tasteful joke)

Missing chocolate chip cookie.

Image via Wikipedia

A very old man lay dying in his bed.

In death’s doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table.  The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

“Stay out of  those,” she said.” They’re for the funeral.

(submitted by SQ)

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The Drunken Scotsman (tasteful joke, video)

Submitted by Andrea

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